I first met Jake about a year ago, when I was trapping a feral colony living at a local trailer park. The kind-hearted managers of the park fed the colony, but were aware that they
would soon be overwhelmed if the cats continued to reproduce. Jake was a big, beautiful Siamese Tom, whose people had abandoned him and who lived outside with the feral colony. He was one of the first ones to be neutered and returned. The trailer park managers clearly loved him very much and he would allow them to pet him, but he lived the life of a feral kitty.
Two days ago, I got a call from Jake's 'mom'—let's call her Anne—she was obviously very upset and said she thought Jake had been hit by a car. His legs were smashed up and he had been missing for an entire week, during which time Anne and her husband – Bob, let's call him – searched for him. Now Jake was back and obviously badly injured. She asked me what they should do.
Now IF I had been thinking more clearly, IF I could do it over again, I guess the obvious response would be this: take him immediately to your vet. If you don't have a vet, I can recommend one. But I didn't think that clearly. I could hear Jake crying in the background. Somehow I assumed they didn't have a carrier for him, although they hadn't said this. Never-the-less, I told them I'd be over at once with a carrier. I went into high alert, that place I go when an animal emergency arises. Nothing mattered but to get Jake to the doctor. I called my own vet, and got the okay to bring Jake in. I arrived at the park and found Jake already in a carrier, ready to go.
As I walked out with Jake in the carrier,—this part breaks my heart—Bob put his hand on my shoulder and said "God bless you."
At the clinic, the vet came out and sat with me after examining Jake. He told me Jake had broken legs and a broken pelvis and a deep infection in the wounds. He was in shock. I asked if he was "salvageable." The vet replied that he would need at least one operation, then visits to a specialist followed by months of rehabilitation—indoors. I told the vet Jake was an outdoor cat. The vet recommended euthanasia.
I wanted Bob and Anne to hear this from the vet himself, so I called them at once. They didn't pick up. I left a message explaining the situation, saying to please call back immediately. I asked the vet if he could keep Jake until I heard from Anne and Bob. Then I headed off to pick up a pair of cats I'd caught the night before, who'd been neutered, and were awaiting pick up. On the way back, I called Bob and Anne again and again got their machine. I was feeling frantic. Jake was waiting. Somewhere in the urgency of the moment, I decided my priorities were wrong—this was about Jake, not about Bob and Anne. I called one more time. I got the answering machine. I explained that since I hadn't heard from them, I was going to go ahead and give permission to have Jake euthanized.
At the time, it seemed like the right, the compassionate, decision. Doesn't it always?
Later that morning I got calls from both Bob and Anne. Anne sounded distraught, she'd called the vet too late, and Jake was gone. She asked me if it was "about the money" and I told her no, we hadn't talked of money at all, we're just talked about Jake's injuries. I offered to have the vet talk with her, but she said what for, Jake was gone.
I felt devastated. As if I'd willfully murdered Jake. I thought of a hundred what's if's and why didn't I's. When I couldn't reach Bob and Anne, why didn't I drive back to the trailer park and look for them? I could have found them. I know they were there. But I didn't. Somehow I took the fact that I couldn't reach them on the phone for proof that this situation was now in my hands. And how had it come to be 'in my hands?' I didn't know. Why hadn't one of them come with me to the vet? I didn't know. All I knew was that Jake was dead and I had made that decision when maybe it wasn't mine to make. And yet I know Jake was in pain. I know the vet told me euthanasia was the kindest choice.
A lot of stuff comes up for me where animals are concerned. I have watched people weep over the death of parents and felt little beyond polite sympathy for their pain. I get it, but on a deeper level, because I've never felt that kind of love for a parent, no, I don't really 'get' it. I just kind of pretend that I do. But when someone cries over the loss of an animal, it brings up the pain of every cat and dog I've ever lost and all the dread and terror of losses that are sure to come, a tsunami of grief that inundates me so completely I feel like I'm drowning in it. The suffering clogs my throat, and I can't breathe.
I called the vet, explained the situation, and he called Bob and Anne. I hope whatever he said to them mitigated their pain, but I doubt it. I know if I ever handed one of my cats off to another person and somehow it evolved that that was the last time I saw my cat alive, I would be grief-stricken beyond words. But I can't imagine doing that. I can't imagine not going with the person to the vet. I can't imagine not being glued to my phone. I can't imagine...
In the end, of course, the only one that's important in this story is Jake. Jake got hit by a car and was terribly injured and died in as humane a manner as possible under the circumstances, and I gave the go-ahead for his death. And I can't ask for his understanding or for his forgiveness. And I have to live with that.