Re: On Grieving the Loss of Animals

     Recently I wrote about the loss of my 15-year-old cat Twinky, who died at home, with the help of her veterinarian, on October 25. Since Twinky's body was obviously failing, I guess I had thought the pain of losing her would somehow be mitigated by the relief of knowing she would not experience suffering. I'm thankful she had a peaceful and pain-free death, but that knowledge has done little to blunt the grief I feel at her loss.

      Twinky always sat at the end of the sofa in my living room. Every time I come in the front door, my eyes automatically go to the sofa--which is empty now--and I am reminded once again that she's gone. Every morning for the last four years I (or the petsitter if I was out of town) gave Twinky her medicine for high blood pressure; every month of so, I would call up the lab in Paso Robles and order another bottle of her meds. Now every day in which that familiar ritual is no longer enacted is another day in which she grows farther away from me. At "treat time" in the evenings, Twinky--who was blind--would be the first to appear in the kitchen, waiting expectantly for her portion of wet food. When I tossed out dry treats to the other cats, I would tuck two or three under Twinky's paw, so she could immediately find them.  At night, as soon as I got into bed and called her, Twinky would jump down off her spot on the sofa, come into the bedroom, hop up on the bed and stretch out against my back, with her head and paws in my hair. I still can't get used to sleeping on my side, knowing I will never again feel her furry warmth as she snuggles against me or hear the soothing music of her purr. I know that now I can rearrange the furniture with impunity or relocate the food and water bowls if I choose to, because my other cats are sighted. In her later years, Twinky found it difficult to squat and sometimes would end up peeing over the side of the litter box onto the floor. I got her a couple of special boxes with high sides and -- just in case--- placed them on top of a tarp covered with plastic trash bags so even if she missed, it was easy to clean up the spill. I took those away the other day--my other cats don't need them.

      Twinky always enjoyed going out into the fenced backyard, but sometimes she indicated she wanted to go out into the front yard by standing at the front door, looking expectant. I'd let her go outside, but always go out with her, since the front yard isn't fenced and she could easily wander out into the street. I was careful to never leave the side gate open, since she could have gone from the safety of the backyard out into the front unsupervised. Now the gate can be open all the time--it doesn't matter.

     When she was sighted, Twinky terrorized the other cats--she was alpha to the core. Even after she lost her sight, she continued to instill fear--I once saw her carefully locate the position of another cat by listening, turn slowly, then lunge with amazing accuracy at her intended prey. On another occasion, I came home to the horrifying sight of Twinky almost at the top of a twelve-foot high cat tree, looking around in some distress as she tried to figure out how to get down. I plucked her into my arms and put her back on the terra firma of the living room rug. To my vast relief, as far as I know, she never ventured up there again.

       I could write on and on reminiscing about Twinky, her adventures, her spirit, her tendency (probably due to her Siamese blood) to grumble and growl over anything that met with her disapproval--and those things were legion!

      But the point of this entry is to say that I have been unprepared for the depth of the grief I feel. It's a lethargy, a profound lack of appetite for dealing with the day to day demands of the world. Twinky shared my life for fifteen years. Now her life is over and a chapter of mine is irrevocably closed.

       In her mortality, of course, I see my own and that of every animal and every person that I love.

       Yet even as I mourn her, I  look across the living room and see the Little Dude cavorting in a paper grocery bag from Trader Joe's. He rolls around, sticks his head out, dives back in, crinkling and crumpling the bag, finding in its brown, oblong interior a toy more fascinating than any PetCo toy or catnip mouse. Everything is new and amazing and wonderful in Little Dude-Land, where Now is the only moment there ever was or will ever be.

       So I grieve for Twinky but I celebrate the gift that is the Little Dude. I wish that I could learn to live with his enthusiasm and only hope that I can die with a fraction of her equanimity and grace.